mictlan

Sunday, May 25

I am alive.

Sorry I'm late.

Rereading my own old posts, it hurts a little. It's pleasant, in some ways, but I've always been powerfully vulnerable to nostalgias for imagined pasts. It reminds me that I used to be made of bone before I was made of smoke.

I'm somebody else now. Smoke and mirrors. I don't talk like I used to. I don't know what to say to you. I'm not sure I know who you are, or if I ever did.

I live somewhere else, not too far away from where I used to live. It's possible I may move again. I look different. I cut my hair short when I lost one woman, and then grew it out again to make love to another. It's just about long enough to tie back now.

She was different. She had hair like mine, and eyes unlike mine, and she liked to bite. It didn't work out, either.

I grew a beard. I wear glasses now. I've learned that I believe in some things less than I thought that I did. I've discovered that, when push comes to shove, the things that I do are a little different from what I might have thought.

I'm sorry that's so vague. It's not just that I am trying to avoid breaking confidences, though there's some element of that, too. It's more that some things are very fragile and frightening and precious, and I don't want to talk about them in such a graceless way. Come drink wth me, and we'll hallow our halls with songs and laughter first, and then I'll tell you, eh?

You see nothing in me that is not also in yourself. In this place I'm just a mirror for you. Go on, look.

The beard is mine, though. The girls seem to like it. Go figure.

I never did write my book. Or at least, I never finished it. I started another, and another, and maybe I just like starting things that don't end well.

It's rainy season. I'm hunkering down, trying to hold in the warmth I have gathered so carefully all these years, trying very hard to wait it out.

posted by: mictlantecuhtli at 00:24 | link | comments (9) |

Comments:

#1 25 May 2008 - 02:19

I don't want to gush or to mess up the decorum, but I probably can't hide my giddiness or stupid asymmetrical smile. You came back to say hi.

It's late here and time will pass before I can come back and write some more, but I wanted to comment immediately about how you really caught the vagary of this whole business.

I knew you were going to use the word smoke in your first post if you ever came back. You did and you did.

You also used the word know in various forms... and I agree that we each put in at least half of ourselves in what we think we know about each other.

Shit, Mic, welcome back from the silence!!

howard

#2 25 May 2008 - 02:36

I just had to come here real quick after seeing your blog in the recently updated list.

Funny, as I was waiting on my ever so slow Internet connection to load your blog, all I could think of was "You're alive!" And there you are.

Welcome back!

giuli

#3 25 May 2008 - 19:41

what a sweet surprise to see you show up in my subscription list.

yeah so much movement. process. glad to hear you are still here, morphing through it all.

limine

#4 26 May 2008 - 05:02

Finally! Great to have you back.

mafidl

#5 27 May 2008 - 03:47

Good post. I can relate. I feel that I'm not the same person, barely recognizable as time goes on. 'guess that's the way we evolve.

Good post, I enjoyed it.